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The schedule for the prestigious venue in Washington D.C. shows a fun bilingual production and an improvised Shakespeare company. Curiously missing from the advertised schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, presumably because it is a exclusively closed-door gathering. Organizers likely want to avoid any uninvited attendees from gaining entry at what promises to be an overly lengthy, self-congratulatory procession where well-paid luminaries will undoubtedly parrot the old cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Celebrity-Filled Hosting Team

The lavish ceremony is scheduled to be hosted by former model and TV host Heidi Klum together with small-statured American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be American football star Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming reporter. Together, they will preside over a production that will certainly have British football fans who remember yearning for the simpler, unpretentious days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, numbered balls.

Set to last almost three torturous hours, the show will feature a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, approved gags, celebrity guests, performances from artists with either little shame or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Detail

Included in those helping to conducting the draw? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey icon Wayne Gretzky, football star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the watchful eye of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of personality exhibited by these veteran sporting icons, short of an armed snatch-squad storming the ceremony, it's hard to imagine what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the tone-deaf justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an obsequious spokesperson is any kind of indicator. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely an organization that are conscious of that," was the statement. "But listen, I think we can look at every sector, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication appeared that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other luxury goods.

The Main Event

With 42 countries already secured a place for next summer's jamboree and six more set to qualify, there will be a real feeling of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw begins. But as fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their own country will play in the initial phase, the suspense pales in comparison to that which precedes the announcement of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help bring together people in peace through unwavering dedication and special actions." Considering the draw is in the US capital and the tournament is primarily in the US, guesses about the winner are ripe, though the hints are apparent.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My connection with him is very strong really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – comments from a coach whose side in the midst of a five-match winless run, providing a classic remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur in the future.

Fan Correspondence

• "Regarding the mention of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost more than £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what catchy ditty will a famous group come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an encore?"